i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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