Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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