His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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