We got so high we made milksteak
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
