you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
