$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I believe in your delicious
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
