Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
