Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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