my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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