Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
