I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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