I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
