I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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