The best revenge is premature balding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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