Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
