The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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