Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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