im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
