Your face is a jimmy john
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
