Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
