Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
