i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
