I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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