Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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