My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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