i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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