They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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