I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
