Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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