Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
