If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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