Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
