My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
