you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
