It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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