apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
