it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
