oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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