What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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