god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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