I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
