I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
