she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
This gyro tastes like lonliness
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
