Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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