"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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