she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
