I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
