so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
