Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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