Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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