I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
